The foundation of this was written after the events that unfolded around Trump’s Access Hollywood tape. I didn’t end up posting it at the time, and now, a full year later, the recent news and discussion about Harvey Weinstein have once again brought these problems to the surface and reiterated that we have a very serious issue on our hands.
Men of America,
It’s time to address the fact that we have a problem.
We have created a culture in which we objectify women and see them as items that exist simply for our pleasure. We view them as less worthy of respect than we are. And we seem to believe we somehow have an inherent right or entitlement to their bodies. We do not.
I vividly remember my shock, awe, and utter dismay last year when Trump’s comments in the infamous Access Hollywood tape, which depicted explicit sexual assault, the objectification and degradation of women, and pride over attempted adultery, were described or excused by many as “locker room talk.” To anyone paying attention, Trump was clearly not simply engaging in meaningless banter. The words that he spoke were fully in line with his typical behavior. They were things he has previously boasted about in his own words in his books and obviously reflected his actual actions and experiences. But even if the actions and events described by Trump never happened and they were truly just words, as he claims, if we are able to brush off words and language like that as ”locker room banter” and thus deem them acceptable, then we still have a serious problem.
The kind of crude, degrading language that Trump used, let alone the actual actions, is not remotely acceptable and is not something we should ever condone. Those attitudes are toxic and harmful, creating systemic problems and damaging entire generations of men and women, and we should be outraged. Yet in the aftermath of the tape, many men and even some women tried to justify the president’s words or actions. Ben Carson, who was supposed to be esteemed, respected, and a Christian, stated in an interview that the problem may not be the language and/or attitude of Trump, but that women “haven’t heard more of this kind of talk.”
We have created a culture in which we objectify women and see them as items that exist simply for our pleasure. We view them as less worthy of respect than we are. And we seem to believe we somehow have an inherent right or entitlement to their bodies. We do not.
I’m sorry…what was that?! I was astonished when I heard that, much like the anchor to whom he was speaking. To suggest that the problem in this scenario is not with the degrading language and behavior but instead is that women aren’t properly exposed to it is absolutely mind-boggling. Imagine if someone told you that sex-slavery and child abduction is not a problem, the problem is that we aren’t exposed to it enough and it’s our fault for being appalled by it. I cannot even comprehend this response.
But despite the Access Hollywood tape and these obvious ethical problems, much of America was willing to look the other way and elect Trump as president. Now, almost exactly one year later, we face all of these questions again in the wake of the revelations about Harvey Weinstein and his overt sexual harassment of women. And yesterday, in the wake of all of this, we all read hundreds of heartbreaking and sobering “me too” posts across social media admitting that essentially every woman we know, every friend, family member, girlfriend, wife, mother, or daughter, has experienced sexual harassment. And probably far more than once.
This is not okay.
The defense that Weinstein presented, the notion that because he “grew up in an era when things were different,” it should almost be expected that he treat women like objects that exist for his satisfaction rather than as human beings worthy of the same respect and decency as him, is nothing short of ludicrous. Despite cultural norms, that behavior was not okay then and it is not okay now.
But the real problem in this situation is not Donald Trump. The real problem is not Harvey Weinstein. Trump and Weinstein may both be morally bankrupt men whose actions can often aptly be called deplorable and problematic, but they aren’t the root of the problem. Nor is Bill Clinton or any other liberal figurehead that you may be tempted to point a figure at (this is not a political or partisan issue—this is about based human rights, respect, and decency). It is not the fault of the collegiate or professional athletes that are charged with sexual assault or rape every year. The problem lies not with any individual, but with our entire culture and the way we have allowed this depraved point of view to grow, take root, and mature in our country. The problem is with all of us.
We need to be better, men. And we need to be better men.
We need to hold ourselves, our friends, our brothers, sons, and fathers accountable to higher standards. We cannot sit by silently while other men say or do these things. We cannot watch passively as another man inappropriately touches a woman at a party, bar, or club, even if that man is our friend or family member. We cannot laugh at the joke about rape or stay silent after hearing the boastful story about taking advantage of someone who was drunk. We cannot continue to create a culture in which men feel the need to sleep with women or accomplish certain sexual exploits in order to prove themselves. We cannot continue to doubt or shame women when they have the courage to speak up after being harassed or abused. We cannot continue to vote into power or celebrate men who have track records of sexual harassment or abuse. If we do any of these things, even if we don’t sexually harass or abuse women ourselves, we are complicit in the abuse that is taking place all around us.
So much of our problem lies in our own insecurities. We feel the need to compete or have the desire to be liked or respected, and we have a horribly skewed idea of what will make that happen for us and of what it looks like to be a man. We tie our own identity to our ability to get sex. We think that we will garner respect from our peers if we sleep with someone, or perhaps if we sleep with a lot of people, so we pressure women, coercing them to do things they may not be comfortable with rather than respecting their boundaries. We are selfish. We treat women in a degrading, disrespectful manner because we think that makes us powerful or macho. We awkwardly laugh or give high fives when someone tells us about how they disrespected, embarrassed, or abused someone because our desire to be “cool” or popular takes over and we don’t want to not fit in.
These things have to end.
At no point in time does being a man mean thinking a woman is there for your objectification and enjoyment, no matter what she is wearing. It does not mean touching, groping, kissing or engaging in any sexual activity with women without their permission. Those things are called molest, sexual assault or rape. As men, as brothers of sisters and fathers or potential fathers of daughters, those things should enrage us. We should be standing up to defend and protect women, not the men who abuse them. Being a man does not mean sleeping with as many women as possible, even if it is consensual, or bragging about our sexual exploits. Being a man does not mean being physically aggressive toward others or needing to be “macho.” It doesn’t mean we act out to get revenge, use insults to berate or demean others, or always have to be right or be more powerful than anyone else.
What does it look like to be a man? Obviously, this could be an entirely separate and long conversation. This touches on gender, identity, social constructs, and many other sensitive subjects. But no matter where you fall on those topics, I believe we can all agree on some foundational characteristics of what a good man should be. Perhaps at the top of that list is that a man should live with integrity. That honestly may be one of the strongest, best, “manliest” traits we can strive for. A good man keeps his word and his promises, even when it isn’t convenient for him. A good man is confident and courageous enough to be humble, not arrogant or prideful. He doesn’t have to prove that he is right or that he is better than anyone else. A good man doesn’t find his identity in money, power, sex, or status. A good man chooses peace over violence. He is patient, willing to show compassion, empathy, and understanding. He treats everyone, including women, with respect and dignity and doesn’t simply view them as objects to be taken advantage of. A good man respects and honors a woman’s boundaries and doesn’t force anything on her or believe that he is entitled to her in any way. A good man stands up to defend women rather than trying to minimize the offenses of men who abuse them. He is willing to call attention to injustice or inappropriate behavior, even though he knows this may not lead to being popular or being invited to more parties. A good man chooses to serve others, even though to many it may look like weakness. A good man chooses to be vulnerable and love others, even if that means he may get hurt. A good man is not afraid of showing his emotions or his pain, even if that means crying. And a good man can admit when he is wrong and humbly ask for forgiveness.
I, for one, want to be that kind of man. And I want to apologize to women on behalf of all men. I’m sorry for the men who think that treating you like an object is okay. I’m sorry for anything I’ve done (or not done) that has helped to enable and contribute to our harmful culture of harassment and abuse. At least as far as it pertains to me, please know that I will not sit silently while others continue this behavior. I do not want to be passive or complicit in any form or sexual harassment or abuse. Instead, I promise that #IWill speak out when I see harassment or injustice. I will continue to be an advocate for you, and I will do whatever I can to teach others to do the same. But women, you need to know that men likely will not change without pressure from you to do so. So this is where we need you need to stand up and be strong and courageous as well (and I know some of you have already been doing this). This change will likely only come if you demand and expect it from us. Please hold me and the men around you accountable. This means, your friends, your brothers, your fathers, your husbands, or your co-workers. We men cannot do this on our own. As always, we will need the strength of women supporting us to make this change a reality.
